The Official Britney Spears Website

Is it a bad sign that I’m starting to find deep emotional connections in Britney’s music? I mean, ultimately what’s the difference between liking Britney and, oh I don’t know, Madonna or The Beatles, or Elvis Presley or Abba? Of course I know what the difference is. But what’s the difference?

Which reminds me. All you “alternative lifestyles” out there: I want Abba back. I see no reason why you should get every danceable track released in the past sixty years. It’s not fair that you should get ‘Vogue’ and ‘Dancing Queen’ for crissakes.

C’mon kids, share some with the straights or we’ll be forced to call in Jimmy Carter, Kofi Anon, and Paul Rudnick to negotiate a treaty. And no one wants that.

So. I want Abba and I want to be allowed to dance with my hands in the air again. And I want it to be okay to have nice clothes, a trim haircut, and a build like a twelve-year-old girl. And good manners. And hugs.

But mostly, I just want Abba. And Madonna. I want Judy Garland and June London, too. You can keep Frankie Goes To Hollywood, the Village People, Ricky Martin, and Streisand. I hate to give him up, but you can have Cole Porter too. If I can keep ‘Sabrina’, you can have ‘Breakfast at Tiffany’s’, ‘The Wizard of Oz’, and ‘The Sound of Music’.

And I’ll let you have Walt Whitman, but only if you relinquish Oscar Wilde.

And Batman. I need Batman back. I know it’s a stretch, a thirty-year-old single man with a male manservant and an adoring young boy all living together in a big house with lots of vases with flowers, dressing up in tights and masks each night and beating up on people . . . but so long as Bruce stays in the closet, he’s straight dammit and no one can convince me otherwise.

I’ll trade you that cross-dressing conejo Bugs Bunny for Batman any day of the week.

Maybe we can share Rupert Everett?

Let me know.