Harold Pinter has been awarded the Nobel Prize for Literature. In honor of this event, please observe a ceremonial moment of silence in this manner: Stare intently at the floor until someone asks you what’s wrong. Continue staring, take a breath, and reply: “Nothing.” (employing a British accent is recommended, either Northern Working Class or Cockney, depending on the color of your trousers and your political affiliation).
Those of you who wear glasses should then remove them and pinch the bridge of your nose between thumb and forefinger at this point. Do not put them back on. Those of you with contact lenses can achieve the same effect by rubbing the corner of one eye with your forefinger. Those of you without corrective lenses of any kind should merely blink a few times, if desired.
If your tormentor does not leave immediately, rise slowly. Silently back them against the nearest wall, bookcase, or kitchen appliance. Ignore their protestations.
Lean in close to their face and, through clenched teeth, say: “Nothing . . . is . . . wrong.”
Allow this to sink in.
After a long pause, punch them in the stomach.
Return quietly to your seat and continue to stare, ignoring their whimpers and the eventual arrival of the police.
Blackout.